Connecting through Romance (and Committing to Reality) Note: It would be careless of me to blog about lovemaking with married men without mentioning my beliefs around “faithfulness” in a culture that is mostly monogamously insistent. The majority of animals are not monogamy-oriented. However, the overwhelming bulk of human civilizations have inherited social models that link read more..
Note: It would be careless of me to blog about lovemaking with married men without mentioning my beliefs around “faithfulness” in a culture that is mostly monogamously insistent.
The majority of animals are not monogamy-oriented. However, the overwhelming bulk of human civilizations have inherited social models that link sexual fidelity with emotional faithfulness and relationship longevity, as though romantic love is a limited resource and, hence, must only be reserved for one person – all the while presuming that the sexual act is a tried-and-true indication of this individualized love.
I believe all those studies that, indeed, indicate that most wedded American men will engage in one or more extramarital affairs. I also observe, lover after lover, that if a vow of sexual exclusivity has been made to another, I am not being sought out as a mere dalliance or employed in some recurring pattern of dishonesty. On the contrary, I serve as a sort of muse to support a man in coming to terms with a suppressed part of himself so as to romance it to a present reality. From there, he can make sense of it and act accordingly – and responsibly.
For the minority of my espoused clients who are, in truth, stepping away from a covenant, I respectfully form a space with them for healing as they, more often than not, feel compelled to recommit to their husbands and wives – though with a fresh appreciation for their bond given a better understanding of themselves. On some occasions, time with me functions as a catalyst to make a healthy split from a stagnant association – frequently provoking the coming out process of a gay man who is married to a woman. Flesh and sweat give a voice to what these conflicted and confused men cannot quite interpret.
Everyone settles on the premises of their respective promises. And then time marches onward and attitudes change. And while I think it’s clear that followed-through-with “faithfulness” does not come naturally for most, I respect others’ commitment to this customary model as a sign of assurance to their significant others. Though following all the freedom I’ve witnessed a break from it can bring forth, I believe we could all benefit from focusing less on the deception of cheating and position our energies toward being honest about human nature and designing a more holistic definition of commitment.
As for me, far from abetting in any offense, I view my relations with married men as abutting love’s absoluteness. That all being stated –
It’s not unusual for me to find myself connecting deeply with a man who is otherwise committed. Whether he is partnered with a man or a woman, is in an open relationship, or is breaking a spoken vow – or abiding by an unspoken agreement – he is undoubtedly extending himself to me to demonstrate a side of himself he has either not come face-to-face with for some time or to reveal it for the first time. Sometimes I accept an anxious handshake from a gentleman who wants a gentle life push through a quickened, forceful thrust, which finds me facilitating one fuck of a fling. Oftentimes I am a secure container for an affectionately accommodated affair. Always, “the married man” is coming to me to confront a deferred part of himself while satiating a delayed pleasure.
As a poverty-stricken 19 year old who was sex-starved for anything that smacked of the explicit, I casually ventured in off-and-on, unofficial escorting. My clients were primarily married men, typically in their 50s, who would drive into Kalamazoo from out-of-the-way cities such as Traverse City, Muskegon, and Toledo. Despite my self-absorbed impulsiveness, I’d be picked up from my residence hall at Western Michigan University to become profoundly moved in some hotel room as I developed rapports with my pursuers. In my inexperienced, ebullient youth, I had only a vague awareness that I represented a recapturing of a time these love-repressed men could never fully regain. And while, given our differently prioritized lifestyles, I learned to be intentional in our discretion so as to allow them to be effusively desirous – I could not help but organically reciprocate the craving. But at that time I was all expressive, and their embodying passion’s postponement as they showed me photos of children who were my age and stowed me away to country cottages – well, it was a put off to my blind belief in a free-for-all liberty, and I proved myself a touchdown moment in lives that couldn’t be realized in the ways mine was.
Solid years of work in the field of sexual health and an overall growing up are sandwiched by a once-teenager dipping his toes in the waters of sex work and a now-full-grown man immersing himself in the fact of life that regardless of well-intentioned pledges, again and again, a man must unite with someone else to recuperate a sense of who he is and what fulfills him. For the man who is espoused to a woman to realize his attraction to men as he receives me inside him, uncertainly looking into the eyes of one so like him… For the man who is wedded to another man and spanks my bare boy bottom, evoking a time when he was younger and sex was a more recognized symbol for the fieriness and appetite he had for a lover he still loves and the life he once lived… For the man who has his wife’s consent to wrap himself around this aspect of himself as he heaves in my arms, his nakedness next to mine, a mound of flesh and frailty… Some are straight, and are perhaps contending with boyhood abuses; many are gay, and are possibly eager to graciously end an arranged marriage; and an increasing mass of men somewhere in that undefined in between are coming to me, usually to acquaint themselves with the facet of their nature that gravitates toward the masculine.
Tight-lipped with fear of the new or wide-eyed with the newness in the familiar, it is my personal experience that an amassing number of men in same-sex pairings are choosing hetero-styled monogamy and men coupled with women are going back to a pre-1950s faith in social fidelity if the facts of life can be acted upon with others behind closed doors. Either way – and every way in betwixt – I meet you where you are at and offer an integrative experience in the belief that it will serve your needs as well as those of society at large. And being that we tend to damn that which we desire, it’s especially freeing for those of you who have signed up for a social model that sometimes stifles more than serves you to find yourselves embraced by a man who is in one of the most socially outcast professions, yet is beaming with love of self while teaming with a love-fueled process. Maybe it’s in this enlivening approach that a widening of positions on romantic relationships might best be prompted.
Whether you are committed to a relationship for the sake of your children or are tending to an ill spouse… sex-deprived and needing something more than what your husband can provide or enjoying stupendous sex with your wife, but seeking virile expression… anywhere in the middle of newlywed bliss and accrued misery… Sometimes to be fulfilled you must seek an amorous affiliation with someone outside of your sphere. And I am honored to co-create a contained experience with you to make the kind of meaning two men who not long prior hadn’t known one another from Adam can envision. It’s you who had hungered for a moment of grace that texted me “I credit my time with you for saving my marriage,” and you who had hoped for a call to action that emailed me “I’ve moved forward and set her free.” A moment in time with a like-spirited man called you out on the reality that you can strengthen and sustain yourself and the one you are dedicated to outside the bounds of our brief bonding.
Through giving up what is conventionally accepted and giving in to a revolutionary acceptance of the man I am with, as we both invite sex to be an inciter of love, I find myself his capable guide only so long as I stay his vulnerable equal. It’s in this surrendered equality that I refuse to work around the reality that my fellow man – out or in, open or closed – daily contends with the shame society sheds on men who love men. I consider it a calling to shift some clients’ self-image away from an oft-unaware closed-heartedness and both of us apart from any adopted narrow-mindedness into a free zone where a hungry body is sated and a thirsty spirit is quenched.
Uncontrolled in lust, the married man comes to me to be unabashedly unbridled, granting his abundance of love a sweltering outlet to capture his smoldering wholeness. And while discretion is a given, an encounter so realized is not for the cautionary, and my lovers know this. They are here to commit themselves to surrender, often in order to reassess old commitments afresh.
For the man who is committed to a woman, conscious sex with another man unquestionably empowers him to be outside of the societal construct of patriarchal power, as it collapses the structures of his social life and self as identified by others. And for the man who is committed to a man, to simply be with a secure, loving fellow in such a short-lived instant involves him in an opening up to his purer self and to a repeatedly overlooked beauty in the world at large that we generally allow time to tear us from. For all married men, I provide a punctuated hour or two or… – a sort of full stop in our departing that transmogrifies in both of our lives into an extension of personal possibility.
Astray from social sanction and enclosed in sexual sanctuary – and having lost his caution in caving into love – the married man touches on true happiness. How much he is willing to sacrifice to recognize such joy is then up to him.
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