The First Timer

An Initiation into Man-to-Man Love (and a Welcoming to an Integrated Self) It’s not uncommon for me to find myself initiating a man into the joys of man-in-man love-making. To feel his fervor as he kisses me, clinging so tightly it’s as if flesh and bone were deterrents to closeness… to hold his head to read more..

 

An Initiation into Man-to-Man Love (and a Welcoming to an Integrated Self)

FT

It’s not uncommon for me to find myself initiating a man into the joys of man-in-man love-making. To feel his fervor as he kisses me, clinging so tightly it’s as if flesh and bone were deterrents to closeness… to hold his head to my chest as he heaves long-repressed tears onto me – first suppressing, then releasing… to see his stunned smile as I take his cock to the balls, and clench… to calm him as he slowly – slowly – receives me inside… to laugh together in the unguarded afterward, reveling in the reality that he has at long last surrendered to a man – a relieved recognition that he has awakened to a vaster experience of living.

As a wide-eyed 18 year old, I got unceremoniously screwed for the first time in a three-way that had me sucking on some 40something year old’s balls while a 30something year old pummeled me in every conceivable position. I gleefully pressed my face into a pillow to prevent high heavens-style screaming in my inexperienced overwhelm. And though this crossing of an invisible line in some random room at the Kalamazoo Radisson Hotel positively evoked what would become a comprehensive education I would casually pursue in the coming years (as a rapacious bottom, a perceptive top, and – now – a beast of virile versatility), I do believe that losing one’s virginity to gain a sense of connectivity is best approached as a rite of passage in a world increasingly so distracted it has all but done away with sacred observances.

Little is more liberating than to be so freed up from what has been held back that a man finds himself in a face-to-face, body-to-body encounter with love. Love for men. Love for himself. For my present living area to contain such love-led turning points, accompanied sometimes by old fears – and always with fresh hopes – is an unparalleled privilege. To wholly explore the essence of a man, and submit to one another, both ushers him into a new era and welcomes me to a consistent awareness of community. Of belonging.

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In a time when there is little to dependably and purposefully introduce a man to the passion two men can share, we discover ourselves in an age that more and more uses sex as a means to evade connection when, indubitably, what is truly desired is that very connection. It is a personal pleasure to hold a man’s hand and allow him his rightful custom into the ability to vulnerably approach the virtuosity of love between men. To restoratively support one another in the most unified of acts. To protect and nurture, communicating in wonder-filled words and in sanctified silence.

To the older gentleman who longed to be penetrated for the first time since he had been the victim of sexual violence as a boy: I support you. To the middle-aged man who lay in my arms, trembling, and exclaiming “WOW!” as he took in the familiarity of giving and grasped the art of receiving after the passing of his beloved wife: I support you. To the young guy who I revealed the ins and outs of eating ass to, and taught to “let the bottom have control at first”: Remember to take your time! I support you. We all have our share of shame, and a thirst for self-respect. Everyone comes into this life hungry for the free-for-all of submission. You are far from alone. And you are understood. And by countless others at that!

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As for me – inevitably – sweaty and subdued by another man’s scent, I will audibly breathe to myself, “GOD, this is my LIFE!” And I send a blessing to that special man whose life I had the great opportunity to touch, and who validated so much of who I am and the tribe we are both members of. To guide is to be led. To be led is to get filled up. And it’s in that capacity for acceptance and accepting that everything becomes so wonderfully possible. Especially that coming to terms with the “you” you may not ever have acknowledged. And being accompanied into a broader form of manhood and erotic potential – it’s simply… thrilling.

It makes me wonder, in the day-to-day, how we can all secure safe spaces in which each one of us can know ourselves anew. I’m invested in this because, in myriad respects, I am a “first timer” in this life. And I would rather be a real man – understood and loved – than a clamored for and fetishized golden boy. My vocation is in enlightening and enlivening in loving service to mankind. And as for what gets me off between the first and last times: a breakthrough. I really get off on breakthroughs. And I remember each, inimitable one. And I bid you all well into the wider world of men who know themselves through one another. Therein abounds unparallelled promise and an abundance of love.

Add a Response 38 thoughts on “The First Timer

  1. What an amazing blog entry. I related so much to this! You were so wonderful during my first time. So attentive, kind and gentle 😉 I was very excited to do my homework after reading this. I cant wait to see where my sexual journey takes me!

    xoxo

  2. This post is spot on – it allows for every man to awaken and restart his sexual journey from wherever he’s left off.

    Coming to NYC more than fifteen years ago, I started my sexual journey having sex with women, then heterosexual couples, then men solely, and from there evolving into gay life. My evolution from sex with women to being gay never required me to change how I interacted with my lovers – I always topped. Except for one encounter where I was transfixed by a magical man that caused a tsunami in my body and soul, no man had every topped me until then, and none has done so since.

    It scared me how disappointed I was after the act, how emotionally distraught I felt and how I could not shake the sense of having just been used. It wasn’t only my body that was hurt, it was my spirit that had been disrupted. And when he disappeared as quickly as he manifested, it left an emptiness inside. I was never able to reclaim that freedom or reopen myself to full surrender again.

    To be fair, there have been three men who have inspired me over the years to try bottoming again. But until recently, I lacked the confidence and courage to genuinely see it through, so they moved on. For to allow them to enter my body, was allowing them to pierce my soul and I couldn’t risk being vulnerable or disrupted again.

    So I understand this blog post far too well. From the older gentleman sobbing on your chest to the young guy who wants to dive in. Every man wants to be connected, to himself and to others like him. Every man wants to be apart of a tribe, which is why more practitioners like yourself are needed for education, clarity and empathy. Every man wants/needs a safe space to let his hair down and pull his skirt up, to wag his cock or wiggle his ass, to be respected and undiminished for whichever he choses. And we all need to learn how to relax and just be. We are all apart of a greater whole!

    • This means so, so much, Roderick – thank you! Perhaps our paths will cross…

      And you captured something I’m currently grappling with here: “Every man wants/needs a safe space to let his hair down and pull his skirt up, to wag his cock or wiggle his ass, to be respected and undiminished for whichever he choses. And we all need to learn how to relax and just be.” Oh – to just BE! Feminine, masculine, this, that – and play in-between to get to what we cannot even grasp… touching on transcendence.

      Let’s play and get there, dear man.

      Adam

  3. Adam,

    Your writings are magnificent! A voice of hope & reason in this strange, swirling world.
    My out-of-left field question, as I am currently the victim of this pernicious occurrence, how do you address the rampant spread of STDs in this community of anonymous hookup apps? It’s like the old Herbal Essence commercial…. You do 2 friends & they’ll do 2 friends & so on & so on!
    Is it just a thing we have to accept or is there a foolproof way to avoid the obstacle to a fulfilling sexual life?

    • Thanks, Tony! Regarding STDs – with some of the funnest activities, there is almost always a risk. I’d check out http://www.cdc.gov/std and snoop around the Internet (ie, GMHC) for specific risk factors and prevention techniques. XOX from NYC! Adam

  4. This was so lovely! I am so happy for those dudes that they have someone as gentle and funny and kind and thoughtful in his teaching as you to guide them through those breakthroughs.

  5. I’m sure every unassuming boy who fantasized about crossing that “Invisible line” longed for a man like you to nurture them and guide them into exploration without shame. I remember all my first times well… – From the first man who brought me to an eruption of pent up orgasm to the older gentleman who eased his way into my tight hole for the first time. Each broke a portion of my innocence but ushered me into new heights of enlightenment and pleasure. You capture that well in your post. In your arms, one finds safety, vulnerability and erotic bliss. Cradled in your warmth, a man finds parts of himself that have been hidden. And thus you are memorable to many of us because you’ve played a vital role in our journey of male exploration.

  6. Adam, you are an amazing writer. The subject is compelling but your lovely way of communication is so endearing and inclusive. You are an extraordinary man in every way a man can be measured!

  7. Wow! Brilliantly insightful into the experiences of so many of us, particularly those who submerged and repressed our deep hunger for intimacy with other men. Many of us will remember that the gay rights movement was once often referred to as gay “liberation.” And how appropriate. While it took many of us decades to truly experience the liberation that comes when we give full expression to who we are and our innermost desires, when we finally do so, we become more comfortable in our own skins and I believe that our capacity for creativity is enhanced. Adam, your work is indeed sacred. As you said in an earlier blog, you create space for others. And I continue to feel blessed to have the opportunity to share my expanded sense of myself with you, my dear friend. Much love to all those sharing in this wonderfully sacred and erotic corner of the web. My heart was filled with gratitude as I read your words (and I felt another part of me filling up as well.) 😉

  8. Adam….wow, can I relate. Thank you for reminding me again of what that is and what that feels like….I had someone say to me many years ago that I would struggle in this area because I fear letting go and imagine too much pain….I could never thank you enough for helping me to overcome what I always secretly hoped for but never thought possible…I feel you

  9. I love this post, Adam. It’s a wonderful blend of provocative and inspirational! I know you have to walk a fine line between confessional and discreet but you pull it off perfectly. You also capture the rhythm of the first time experience with the writing itself. It’s brilliant.

  10. another insightful post. you have one of the best jobs in the world. you live for yourself and you live unselfishly for others. every one of your posts inspires me to make changes in my life. i want to practice what you preach/teach. oh, and thanks for paragraph #2. i got a little hard 😉

    • We will practice soon enough, Steve. 🙂 Thank you for this open expression of your reaction. Go with it! I’ll go with you. Adam

  11. Another really wonderful blog, Adam.

    I like your voice. You manage to integrate down to earth descriptions of sex: ” to see his stunned smile as I take his cock to the balls, and clench… to calm him as he slowly – slowly. . .” with more formal, cerebral statements, which I think give the reader a resting place , and, stylistically, also integrates basically the sacred and the sexual (I was going to write “sacred and profane” but profane refers to something that is not sacred or is obscene). Here’s your formal self: ” To restoratively support one another in the most unified of acts. To protect and nurture, communicating in wonder-filled words and in sanctified silence.” Don’t let anyone get you to change this dual voice. It many ways it’s an emerging voice and entirely unique, and you need to let it continue to settle in, like a singer’s voice that finds its own fach.

    I love that you bring in the idea that perhaps the most important part of giving one’s self up — losing one’s virginity — is that one finds a community. These days, It has become a rite of passage that is too often spoken about glibly, or seen as, here’s the word, “profane.” Or worse, just seen as some developmental task. Next!

    “we discover ourselves in an age that more and more uses sex as a means to evade connection. I’m curious to know what you mean specifically. Like Grindr?

    What you’ve written perfectly fits in this unique place you’ve chosen for yourself. To be a participant-observer in your work.

    Where do you get these drawings? They’re really lovely, and match the writing.

    • This is so meaningful, Chris! It’s an emerging voice, for certain, in a sort of contained meandering. I’m having fun with the process, and am glad that extends to you. Regarding the way our culture (especially “queer culture”) is coming more and more to use sex as “a means to evade connection” – that’s a comment on the one-on-one touchdown moments themselves. Technology (from Grindr to ManHunt to texting) absolutely finds us feeling less connected to the human aspect a coming encounter, and the reality that there is a living, breathing being on the other end of the exchange. (And I commission the drawings, but would love any artists to gift me with some!) I will see you next week. Thank you so much for this thoughtful commentary! Adam

  12. The excitement and joy of reading your words – with the awareness that you’re sharing of self so profoundly… always makes the times-in-between visits, bearable (or at least, almost bearable). Your gifts are many, Adam. Your ability to comfort and embrace a man wherever he might be – by so many means and with so much intuitive awareness; simply extraordinary. I add my thanks and appreciation to those who wrote before me….

  13. Yes, yes, to all of this. As I said when we first met, I needed to explore my sexuality in a safe, non-judgmental space. And increasingly, those seem more and more difficult to find. So thank you – not just for writing this, but for living it. I can’t wait to explore with you some more (March cannot get here quickly enough).

    • That’s why we keep creating them, for ourselves – then extend that secure expanse for others. 🙂 Here’s to living it, Mike, and to seeing one another shortly! Adam

  14. Your insight is amazing, yes, we all want to surrender/be taken and be desired in our body and we should do it shamelessly. Thank you for your wonderfully open bravery to give and to receive love and passion. I strive to live your actions and be brave and shameless in my desire. Much Love to all men, Dennis

  15. I think when the term T.G.I.F was coined they were referring to your blog posts!!! It is just after 9 AM and my weekend has already been topped(no pun intended)I just love this post, I know all men gay want compassion, a connection, to touch, to smell,another man, but are afraid to say it out loud. This post is the dialogue many gay men wish they had the strength to say, and demand. Thank you for bringing this subject out in the open to start a dialogue for gay men no matter their age or place in life.

    • T.G.I.F. indeed, “L”! Finding our voices while discovering ourselves… And I look forward to topping an entire week with you so, so soon… Adam

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